#463 - I Am Cruel to Myself and Others
Volume 2 - Prayers to Love Our Neighbor
Dear Father, I am my own worst enemy. Quite frankly, I hate myself. I hate the man or woman I have become. I hate what I look like, how I think, the things I say, what I feel, and what I do. I am repulsed by my identity. Therefore, I exhibit self-destructive behaviors. I like to punish myself for who I am. I punish myself by getting involved in dysfunctional relationships. I punish myself by isolating myself from healthy relationships. I punish myself by avoiding counseling or mentoring. I punish myself by abusing my body - directly (such as cutting) or indirectly (such as eating unhealthy or choosing not to exercise). I punish myself by unwise spending, refusing to work when I could, and getting into unmanageable debt. I punish myself through addictive behaviors. I punish myself by committing crimes. All of this creates a deep bitterness in my heart. I am angry, irritable, and mean spirited. I end up hurting innocent people. Why am I this way? Father, I have refused to confess and repent from my rebellion from You. I still want to be my own god. I just hate the god I've become. I had great expectations for myself. I would do everything right. However, I didn't and I am deeply bitter about that. Father, forgive me of my rebellion. Help me to put You alone on the throne of my life. You are the God to be worshipped, praised, and honored. Not me. If I truly believe that, I can learn to love myself. I don't have to be God. I can be imperfect and You love me anyway. If I truly learn to love myself because I am basking in Your love, I can learn to love others. Father, help me surrender my desire to be my own god so that I can stop being so mean - to myself and others. Amen.
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